| Home
| Old Quotes on Top |
Chris' Mom: "Hey, I got free samples of biofreeze.... wanna put some on your balls again?"
Steve:"Oh god you and your wombmate have a strange relationship."
Moms: "Did you send that to Steve??"
Chris: "Anything funny or random said is subject to be automaticly forwared to Steve.... it's in the fine print."
Moms: "Thats funny, I'm sure he finds this family strangly entertaining... no wonder he hasnt come back."
"What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes is forever..."
Professor Yilma
"You're like a caboose... always coming in last."
Ashley
"Phonetic spelling over the internet is fail."
Gary
"Let's be honest... prostitutes don't see this much action."
Jason
"Whoa... my mayo just exploded."
Jason
"Meth must be an awesome drug... just look at that guy."
Chris
"Don't context me!"
Steve
"Mine has a small chassis..."
Ryan
"You're the randomest Steve I know."
Harvey
Steve: "Why are you so happy and gay today?"
Ryan: "I wouldn't say I am happy, Steve."
Steve: "....so you're saying you aren't happy, just gay?"
"You mean you don't speak Arabic?!"
Baxter
"Dunce cap? I've got one for you, buddy..."
Gary
"Baxterism."
Gary
"I have forgotten how to cough."
Eirik
"That's how sewing works, you get stabbed in the boob."
Liz M
"Steve, I'm pretty sure you're camel toeing your balls."
Ryan
"My friend, there are things in this world not meant to be understood by men. The Will of God, the universe, the insanity of women…"
Jimmy
"I'm so undeniably attracted to crazy. I love projects, man."
Jimmy
"It's like a heart attack in a waffle cone."
Steve's Dad
"I'm so drunk on cheese."
Jenny
"I tend to like drinking during inappropriate times."
Jenny
"Besides, I'll fit in great at Walmart. I'm just wearing pj's and I didn't brush my hair…"
Harvey
"...whatever... This english langage is stupid, I am changing languages."
Chris
"My parents are forced to love me, you do it by choice... What's wrong with you?!"
Chris
"Zipper bras, that would be so much easier than Rubik's cube bras."
Ryan
"It's just like old times, but in a different state."
Steve
"...and it burns. I should stop eating lettuce."
Steve
"I don't know... After a hard weekend in Vegas, finding God may not be bad idea."
Chris
Jason: "Quit eating your burritto and learn to drive you dumb bitch...." (sitting in traffic)
Chris: "That burritto does look good though..."
"He couldn't tell which ear was the gay ear."
Random guy named Jason
"Making people laugh is not nice to do when they are using mouthwash."
Chris
"Do you have to have pants on to go through the drive thru?"
Chris
Chris: "I don't think there are a lot of people like me."
Ashley: "Lets hope not."
"Pet peeve 276: When you finish wipping then discover you have 1 more push left to go."
Chris
"God its been a long time since I shit my pants."
Chris
"You're the randomest Steve I know."
Harvey
"You almost made me inhale a kissable."
Ashley
Rob: "If the moon is made of cheese, what's mars made of?"
Me: "A giant pepperoni."
"Petpeeve 169: This economy.... I need a job."
Chris
"Petpeeve 835: Jackass' who come to buy your crap off CL... barter for a cheaper rate then ask for change... no jackass I dont have a $5 on me, you'll just have to give me the two $20's in your hand for the $40 item I'm trying to sell."
Chris
"Petpeeve 573: Washington Drivers who magically forget how to drive in the rain during the 2 months of sunshine we get a year."
Chris
"Last time I found a pink door it turned out to be an abortion clinic."
Jenny
"Men spend the first nine months trying to get out of the vag and the rest of their lives trying to get back in…"
Sarah the Security Guard
"LOL, I gotta text that to Steve."
Chris
"Yeah I know, I'm like his 2nd wife."
Chris
"Its like that, but much cooler and with a gun."
Logan
"Angry clicking fingers...."
Steve
"He's abusing the funny."
Gary
"Mostly. But not all. In particular that part between their legs that is only 50% bad... and the titties are where goodness originates from... I'm pretty sure."
Ryan
"Seriously Christopher, don't put catnip on the dog."
Moms
"Patrick, it's about time to grow up."
T
Steve S: "Are you the cow of pain?? Are you?"
Steve N: "Yes Steve...yes I am!"
"OMG I wasn't wearing underwear today???"
Chris
"If it wasn't for the fact that I like pussy, I would totally be gay."
Chris
"Am I whiter than when I started? I think I bleached some of the black out."
Harvey
"Never again will I let that area turn into a sweaty jungle."
Gary
"Today is a day that I can't trust a fart."
Ryan
"…I did my time in those trenches."
Ryan
"Half of that is from my birth-mothers loins...that means you like half of me."
Ryan
"Been there, seen that, took off my pants."
Harvey
"I was watching Fight Club last night and realized I need more Tyler Durden in my life."
Gary
"Challenge, that's what it is. A challenge to your manhood. No half-sausages here."
Jimmy
"... Burrito waster."
Gary
"Our activities will end a fetus."
Harvey
"I'm very picky about my Asians."
Gary
"Gosh, I hate Barney."
Shalina
"...that's karma saying you suck."
Chris
Pet peeve 4239: When some one 2 people in front of you is carrying on a conversation with someone behind you while standing in a single file line."
Chris
"Lets go back to the days of Kenya...and the booty."
Jenny
"You wouldn't be in that situation if you didn't have that whole rubbing ice cream on your taint fetish.... Minus that I'm sure you'd get into heaven."
Chris
"I'm from south carolina, we don't have pine trees!"
Grandpa M
"Good parents don't give their kids hot pockets."
T
"I shared an intimate moment with a mannequin. She didnt have a head."
Liz M
"You were a pretty honest fetus."
Casey
"I love my viens. They're fun."
Logan Bang
"He's a hobo/pedophile... He's a hobophile."
Layton
"That was two seconds too gay."
Landon
"Yeah, last night was a rusty pipe night…"
Harvey
"I have no idea.. It was the 80's."
Steve
"Kentucky kinda looks like a chicken nugget."
Harvey
"I have no idea how you eat that much wienerschnitzle."
Claudia
"You can see right up his cone…"
Robert
"I like flacid mohawks."
Eirik
"Oh, that's not a homeless guy, it's a rock…"
Harvey
"Are you kidding me? I couldn't fit through a pelvis."
Harvey
"I'd rather have it stuck down than stuck up...like my women."
Steve
"Oh, I feel like my ass is on fire..."
Ryan
"I want quote number 999 because if you flip it over it spells 666 and reveals hidden evil like tiny kittens."
Liz M
"At that point, the light bulb in the easy bake oven is almost burned out."
Harvey
"...That's because they're on acid and live in egg buildings."
Molly
"Note to self: Don't nick balls with beard trimmer. Pain ensues."
Gary
"It's like a midget without knees."
Sean
"Groping isn't gay."
Landon
"I'm always so busy, I just never have time to look at my legs."
Jenny
"When you have small dogs, you know you're walking around with food on a leash."
Liz M
"Your bladder has rabbies."
Harvey
"I want to keep steveing you in your hot tub."
Jimmy
"So if you go in to a brand new Ihop, do they pre-sticky it?"
Harvey
"My name is Peter, with a silent 'gh'... P-G-H-E-T-E-R."
Peter
"There is a reason whores are so popular..."
Molly
"Why is your head so heavy with so little brains?"
Ashley
"What part of no fat chicks don't you understand?!"
Random guy at a coffee shop
"If you have ever cleaned out your wifes vacuum with a leaf blower, you might be a redneck."
Joey
"It's too bad that most men's give a darn is busted."
Amanda
"I'd like to see someone hijack a plane bare handed, Chuck Norris style. What would they do then, ban Chuck Norris from flying? I think not."
Harvey
"I'd digitaly hit that."
Harvey
"Cloudy weather makes people look gross."
Kelly
Chris: "60 cents for a soda? Costco is so cheap."
Ashley: "Its like mexico minus the swine flu."
"Hahahahahaha... You turned her gay, Steve!"
Gary
"Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there."
Scott Adams
"...4 legged in-law repellent."
Harvey
"I wiped my ass with a fig leaf once. Does that make me green?"
Ryan
"I'm in it for the tan."
Gary
"The world is ending. Just stock up on ammo and booze and get ready for the ride."
Steve
"...his mind just works in a different way.... a jewish way."
Steve
"Probably the best thing I've ever put in my mouth. And I've put a lot of things in my mouth..."
Eric
"Either way, it's good on apples, and I don't care."
Gary
"Holy huge, are you compensating?"
Ryan
"OMG I'm sneezing! Is that a cold symptom?"
Liz M
"Facebook solves nothing."
Steve
"Steve, you play the best devil's advocate, I love it."
Gary
"Welcome to Brownosing 101, I'll be your instructor, my name is Steve Arnett."
Gary
"I have respect for that part of your brain."
Steve
"I told him to come find me when he figures out what it wrong with himself."
Liz M
"I always hurt after I reflect."
Liz M
"He was un-interested in sampling some when I pulled it out for my sandwich."
Ryan
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
"A heart attack in a bag is much more convenient that actually packing a lunch from home!"
Julie
"My grandpa's gonna kick your butt when you get to heaven."
T
John: "I like highchairs."
Steve: "Yeah, when they have a little kid in them."
"Ye who fails to close his bedroom door whilst sleeping hath not the expectation of unadulterated sleep."
Gary
"English. It helps with life."
Steve
"That looks more female steveish."
Chris
"I would never marry a woman with a womb that big..."
Steve
"When I was young I had a really nice ball head."
Ryan
"...and now he's making burritos, which already smells like a sink full of disgusting dishes."
Gary
"What is it about a vagina that makes you think weird?"
Ryan
"CHANGE= can help a nigga get elected."
Ehren
"I'm so tired. I've only eaten bagels today. Bagels=tired."
Logan
"I'm having an intimate moment with windows live and a drain map."
Harvey
"...and by shrugs, do you mean you aired your shoulders out?"
Steve
"Your mind needs to be in man land."
Steve
"She seems like a texter."
Gary
"Last time I checked, creepy places don't make chicks horny."
Landon
"I'm going to need an amen from you in a second."
Chris
"You have a shower in your photo gallery."
Drew
"I'm 90% sure that nigeria is a scheme and dosn't really exist."
Harvey
"I've got the T and the A, but I don't think you'll like what you find in the M."
Harvey
"...bleeding and yet not dying... I don't understand!"
Harvey
"That'd be pretty artistic... If it weren't a dildo."
Ryan
"Harvey's got dog dick farts."
Patrick
"I was sniffing a wiff."
Ryan
"I will have some of his... it's bigger."
Landon
"I want to feel like I'm risking getting AIDS when I eat."
Eric
"Cause you know... the best way to heaven is through donations."
Landon
"Thats almost English... That's Schwinglish."
Ryan
"It's too late to start doing something right."
Patrick
"There is a Hippie with a Guitar in my Reef!"
Harvey
"That sounded like a t rex in a garbage disposal."
T
"I have seen numerous cute girls, too, so that makes seeing all the Harveys less awkward."
Steve
"That's dumb. She's female. She should know her way around a sink."
Steve
"Your Nightmare tasted like peanut butter."
Harvey
"...but they are both black food icons."
Harvey
"Man purses were fanny packs until the 80s made them gay."
Harvey
"I love ice junk. It makes me feel like i'm an x-man."
Jimmy
"Cookies are made of win and flour."
Harvey
"What's a pron?"
Liz
"It's like cloth trains!"
Harvey
"That's how I got my first African sunburn."
Mike E
"We need to find out when their pudding shipments come in... we keep missing it."
Liz M
"He took my innocence... just like Enya."
John Go
"I will stab a ninja in the taint…"
John Go
"That's the great thing about the internet... the pages don't stick together."
Joey D's
"Well, no more Mr. Nice Snail."
Peter
Harvey: "Steve, this is san fransisco... I will not bend over!"
Alex: "I'm not lookin to get rear ended on polk street!"
"Dang... I need to get laid tonight. I'm as horny as an intoxicated begal in a prostetic leg store!"
Harvey
"There are sometimes that no means no, and there are times that no means go."
John Go
"I might be crazy... but i'm green."
John Go
Patrick: "What would jesus do?"
Bridget: "He'd say, 'bitch learn the game.'"
"I gave a takeout container full of french fries to a matress next to a dumpster because I couldn't find any homeless people."
Liz M
"It looks like burned easter grass with two hot dogs sticking out."
T
"That's much easier then rainbow seeds."
Liz
"He's an eHo... an emotional ho."
Patrick
"She's into one syllable guys."
T
"This is 8MB of dangerous."
Gary
"My legs feel funny inside my pants."
Liz M
"Cause lets be honest. It was either you or me... and I like me."
Jimmy
"They don't use music anymore for hip hop."
Joey H
"Nobody should have to see a naked Steve."
Chris
"I feel like a fat chick on prom night... I'm eating frosting right out of the can with a spoon."
Chris
"If Ryan's involved, it better be huge."
Steve
"Chick nuts are bad."
Aaron
"The telephone pole was making frog noises."
Aaron
"There's nothing better than exploring aroused."
Aaron
"What's the plural of plural?"
Aaron
"Out of 115 I'm not that white."
Chris
"She's a very candley person."
Kelly
"If you have to pay for sex, does that make you a Buysexual?"
Chris
"If a girl can love me with a lack of skin, then she can love me through anything."
Steve
"...call it a code of ethics for breaking and entering."
Steve
"It could have something to do with the fact that your house is plugged into an extension cord."
Harvey
"I have a feeling I'm going to be a ridiculously angry puzzle person."
Kelly
"You'll be back... you can't boycott google."
Chris
"That's cheaper than my blimp idea."
John Go
"I'm not racist. I'm pro-american."
Logan
"Oh my god, it smells like cholesterol in here."
Harvey
"Oh I love the light... it's just no good for beating down hobo's."
Harvey
"A stripping billboard... how often do you see that?"
Liz M
"I was really glad I was dressed as a hobbit."
Harvey
"I love type two!"
John Go
"Oh goodness, my prosthetic leg almost fell off."
Random WC Guy
Chris: "I don't really have anything to grumpy about... I'm just pissed and grumpy."
Moms: "If you were a girl that would be called PMS."
"If that's homo then my ass is fort knox."
Patrick
"I often put gum in my mouth just to drink coffee."
Kelly
"Fact: Canadians don't have cooties."
Jimmy
"You know how I can tell if its going to go somewhere… Ryan calls me."
Harvey
"I should be a food critic for playboy."
Patrick
"Yeah, Jimmy would make a good husband. I'd marry him."
Steve
"You know how I said I didn't want to be a little boy?"
Kelly
"...Let's just say it was a good thing I was wearing rubber pants."
Harvey
"Don't hit me in my beautiful beautiful face."
Harvey
"I wanna be on the news for being stupid."
Nate
"It was a big pot and a little roni."
T
"My whistle is tempermental."
Patrick
"I'm like the Canadian James Bond... I'm unemployed."
Jimmy
"You going to law school? Yeah, don't judge."
Jimmy
"For a second I thought those were light bulbs, but they aren't... they're light sacks."
Patrick
"My water was too wet!"
Claycord Comment
"I'm female, and therefore a logic free zone."
Rene
"It is my life goal to make an application where people can smell my farts through the internet."
Mike
"Gary, we don't have time for calipers."
Peter
"If there are shiney things involved, I'm down."
Chris
Harvey's advice of the day: "Don't hit yourself in the ankle with a hammer."
"Now we stalk people like we are at DVC."
Steve
"Damn I dance well..."
John Go
"I would rather look at my sisters boobs."
Ryan
"That's me sticking my head out of a hairy corn hole."
Ryan
"Civil didn't get the south anywhere."
Logan
Steve: "You know how I know I'm gay? I'm listening to Coldplay."
Chris: "Know how you know I'm gay.... I'm listening to Pink."
"If someone told you to get the chastity belt from their truck, would you think to grab the snatch block?"
Chris
"Maybe you need one of those pine scented air freshener trees. That's like nature chemically crammed into a cardboard tree."
Harvey
"Its hard to tell, it's European."
Logan
"Fog. Smokey cow farts."
Liz M
"The latest breakthrough in weather technology... farting cows."
Liz M
"Once... but lots."
Harvey
"I need to eat pie this weekend."
Harvey
"I bet your mouth feels huge now, huh?"
Peter
"The one thing I miss about having a job is the regular showers... no work = no
real reason to shower."
Chris
"I would turn into a hippie and drive a bug if it looked like a turtle."
Liz M
"She doesn't know its a date, and neither does her boyfriend."
Chris
"Oh right, you're ghetto today."
Julie
"God I love the disney channel. I keep getting older and they keep pumping out underaged hotties."
John Go
"George W gives people with middle initials of W a bad Rep.... I say hi my name is
Christopher... you think, 'Oh, ok this guy is cool.' I say, Hi my name is Christopher W. and you think, 'God this guy is retarded'."
Chris
"I'm thinking rum and mystery juice and rum."
Chris
"No, it doesn't suck. It's just missing space bunnies and lazer guns."
Chris
"I live simple. I love simple. I am simple."
Steve
"Sometimes I'm more like a not me then me."
Liz M
"I know I have room for improvement in being me."
Liz M
"People from the Netherlands always use 5 or more."
Liz M
"But you married the crazy dog lady..."
Steve
"I like poop tubes. That's why I did it."
Steve
"Don't tell a chicken how to lay an egg unless you just finished laying one."
Liz M
"I'm donating some organs to science or shit cuz I'm tired of spending money on booze."
Chris
"Her fur is hella slow."
Harvey
"There are three things I'd never want my sons to be: a politician, a catholic priest, or an auto salesman."
Steve's Grandma
Landon: "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
Steve: "It's a Steve thing"
"If I was getting wood I'd want a clean bed."
Chris
"Lets just be honest, when was the last time I thought?"
Chris
"I wonder if black people have a hard time catching a bus at night?"
Chris
"I am just a wisdomful guy."
Chris
"The facts and statistics speak for themselves. Steve: many dates. Jimmy: zero."
Jimmy
"Remember, a vote for Steve Arnett is a vote for a volvo in every house, sandles on every foot, and a woman in every kitchen…"
Harvey
Steve fact: "Steve does not do cats."
Steve
"He's locked up... like uncle."
Random Halloween Guy
"Friends don't let friends rape friends."
Jimmy
"God I love election night."
John Go
"…but I didn't want to sleep next to a dead cow."
Jimmy
“Obama is not the first multiracial President, because there’s no way Bill Clinton isn’t at least a little bit black.”
Gary
“He’s BARELY black. He’s not African-black.”
Gary
“I dont think I’m going to vote…. I’ve taken too many math classes to know how statistics work.”
Chris
"Decrypt that. It's not English. I don't speak woman."
Steve
"Snarf is my new heh."
Ryan
"Word to Steve's word."
Gary
"How convenient that Obama won on the day you were black."
Julie
"No thanks Obama, I don't need change. I pay with plastic."
Steve
"Happiness should not be based on ones tax status."
Steve
"I almost voted for duct tape, it fixes everything."
Steve M
"If free coffee and junk food won't encourage people to vote, I'm not sure what will."
Julie
"Chickens don't need to text you all the time."
Steve
"It's hard to pee in the woods...cuz I pee on my shoes."
Sarra
"Next time a homeless man asks me for money I'm going to tell him a story about a chicken."
Liz M
"I'm not afraid of getting wet, I'm afraid of exercise."
Chris
"If I had anymore potential I'd have to be twins."
Lynsey
"Good thing she's cool with Black Steve, cause that's a weekly occurrence."
Gary
"I like you no matter your color."
Julie
"I have that same problem with Scooby Doo."
Aaron
"Don't ever feed me pasta."
Steve
"I'm a wide-angle whore."
Gary
"I'm really self-conscious about chewing noises now."
Gary
"It would evict my eyeball."
Steve
"I think the canadians make them thicker."
Steve
"Steve epitomizes the state of chill."
Gary
"Ears are a no-go. Next thing she'll remember is being pregnant."
Steve
"It smells like feeeeeet back here, ugh."
Josh R
Steve: "I want a new camera body. Not out of necessity, just to play with."
Chris: "Remove camera and insert girl's."
"It's hard to choose between religion & gangsterism."
Hollywood Undead
"Busted like teenage foreplay when parents come home earlier than expected."
Gary
"I always hated the abrupt ending of a good time."
Gary
"I think I wanna goto Ireland/Scottland/Other Leprechaun countries..."
Chris
"...I'm black on tuesdays, so I get a lot of practice."
Steve
"It smells like it came out of a Toyota…"
Gary
"They have nicorette gum to help people quit smoking, do they make niggerette gum to help you stop being black?"
Harvey
"Does your lid have cancer?"
Harvey
"It just has to be dark enough to be f*cking creepy."
Logan
"See it's not going anywhere... yet."
Logan
"I feel like I'm already being tortured, and we're not even done yet."
Logan
"...at least it wasn't her tongue."
Steve
"Three Steve's... We did Yosemite hard."
Steve
"Is it bad that any time I see a black guy in a nice car I think to myself, I wonder what sports team he's on?"
Chris
"My dentist almost stepped on me!"
Liz M
"Your cat just punched me in the eye."
Liz M
"What are you talking about, my head can support a frame."
Chris
"I'm kinda nervous, come hold my hand."
Ryan
"You can call me Steve, the productive gangster."
Steve
"Is she sand-approved for the beach?! I thought that was a Stevequirement."
Gary
"And only $500 worth of dangerous, because that's all I'm limited to."
Gary
"Chris is like the quote that never stops. You should just give him a voice recorder that uploads quotes."
Liz M
"It's like a having a roommate that's old... who gave birth to me. It's like having a wombmate."
Chris
"I should something."
Gary
"So many possibilities for a good meat sauce."
Liz M
"...most angry chassis lube ever."
Gary
"Bagging a truck defies logic, Steve."
Gary
"I'm trying really hard not to eat the one at work, because I like it."
Harvey
"Oh how I long for the gender roles of the past..."
Steve
"Out of context we rock... In context we're unknowingly witty."
Gary
"I don't like the whine."
Steve
"Shutup, you're Ritcharded."
Harvey
"It's like a used Hyundai, it's already been driven around the block and you're not sure if you're pronouncing the name right."
Harvey
"Pop it like a pimple!"
Gary
Steve: "I don't wanna deal with kids again."
John: "Yeah I know, they're weird. They're like little people."
"I'm game for an awful lot... but raccoons and psychedelic flies are NO GOOD."
Morgan
"That just screams cancer."
Steve
"On a scale from 1 to 10, we're about as cool as Pokemon trading cards."
Jimmy
"It's like Pokemon cards. We're trading."
Jimmy
"I was sitting there with a sandwich in one hand and a big rig in the other."
Harvey
"He's a bailer. It's much different from a baller."
Steve
"Plus you, rooting around in garbages, is a major turnoff, too."
Amanda
"My friends rock... well, out of context they do."
Steve
"You're all over there, light painting a hooker..."
Aaron
"See, the thing is that with photoshop you could zoom in and cut her head off."
Harvey
"I love this game because it's racist."
Steve
Grant: "...there is always canibalism."
Jimmy: "In china it's called a delicacy."
"Did I eat garlic? Oh, that's just cheese."
John Go
"I have sensitive inner belly button skin."
T
Liz: "Are you OK?"
Harvey: "Yeah, I'm killing flies with my underwear."
"Hey Steve, your spicy hummus is good. But you know what is better? BARF!"
Baxter
"I really feel uncomfortable. That's something she should only be discussing with her richard."
Steve
Steve: "Punch him."
Gary: "My dad?"
Steve: "Do it."
"Dude, parking lots are awesome."
Logan Bang
"What are we holy smoking?"
Kelly
"There's a baby-making factory behind the waterfall."
Gary
"You know Gary, it's still gay if you're watching."
Harvey
"My mouth tastes like snoring."
Chris
"Way cooler than whiteKKK style."
Steve
"I think I can hear your kidney!"
Liz M
"I am not a man!"
Liz M
"I'm taking my cookies and going home… I'm home."
Matt
"What's better than new boobs? Nothing."
Matt
"You can't stay at my place because there are statues."
Dorean
"This is the one where he merges with the dog, right?"
Ryan
"I bet she carries a really expensive purse with a dog in it."
Steve
"Note to self: Don't play with fart puddy when on the phone with a customer."
Chris
"…but I didn't want to introduce logic into the mind of a woman."
Steve
"He's 6'3... in both directions."
Patrick
"Not even a self respecting goat would go down this road."
Ryan's Dad
"You'll have to cut your sideburns if you want people to vote for you."
Morgan
"You are an artist. You would be lucky if you were existing without some kind of mental disorder."
Amanda
Chris: "I'd hug you but I'm naked."
Chris' Mom: "Thank you for my understanding."
"Simple minded folks... always good for a laugh and you don't have to feel bad because they aren't actually retarded."
Chris
"Cold dead babies isn't worth the 34 over draft charge."
Chris
"Your true whiteness was just revealed when you mentioned the magic school bus."
Steve
"So on Sunday he got me a rabbit so I could get a job."
Liz M
"I'll never be able to look at a ham sandwich again."
Chris
"I don't shop at Bevmo, they destroyed my Nut Tree."
Gary
"We should stay there next time, at least they have rocks."
Gary's Mom
"He died with an accent."
Liz M
"I can see the MasterCard commercial right now...
Photoshop, professional edition: $1000
Flickr Search for beards: $0
Helping your asian friend grow a beard: Priceless"
Jimmy
"5 things you WILL find at walmart:
1) an old person strapped to an oxygen tank who looks like this could be their last shopping trip......EVER
2) a chick who is way too young to have a child that old on her hip. If its the summer the kid will be wearing nothing but a diaper and a kool-aid smile.
3) a fat person riding around in the electric buggie. usually running into people and shelves
4) a child getting the holy bajesus woop out of him..... HINT: look in the toy department near the Power Wheels
5) the lady who is prepairing for the next major natural distaster. everything from baby wipes to food rashons for a family of 6 to gun ammo, to haz-mat style breathing masks. and everyhing in between.. usually look for her in the 15 items or less line with 4 shopping carts."
Chris
"It's like Where's Waldo for the whitetrash world."
Chris
"I usually am… a finger off and premature."
Chris
"...otherwise it sounds like i'm trying to sleep with dogs."
Chris
"I can now officially add puppy theft to my resume/wrap sheet."
Chris
"I know it sounds like a pathetic disney movie."
Steve M
"You could fit that puppy in a cupholder!"
Gary
"The harvey's and I are we."
Steve
"...You should know these things. Especially if you're gonna be president."
Harvey
"I don't know what you need to know but I totally agree, as your VP, I will know whatever you need to know too."
Steve M
"...this flavor isn't worth the lung damage."
Landon
"Windows workgroups... they're kinda like communism."
Harvey
"I was afraid my Starbucks was on fire."
Harvey
"I have to get these crickets home before they die... so that they can die."
Steve
"I just grrr at the distance."
Steve
''You may not be my mom, but you're my hero.... You did a keg stand on your 50th birthday.''
Kat
"I think text just crawls into the storm drains and then uses the ocean."
Bob
"My goal is to have more quotes on your website that don't have to do with bodily fluids, fuctions, or being naked... So the other day I took a dump and it ended up being like seriously Leprechaun green, and then I thought man I haven't had lucky charms in forever!"
Chris
"They're Russian. They might not have a home phone."
Ryan
"Steve's a hippie. Ryan you have no excuse."
Harvey
"You know, now days it's hard to fart without thinking about Chris."
Harvey
"I can't have naked people in my boxes."
Liz M
"I get around like a case of AIDS in Nigeria."
Ryan
"Have you ever… known the dump was going to be so big you felt the need to get completly naked for it?"
Chris
"McCloud... where the elevation is higher than the population."
Alex
"Do you think he saw my nasal system?"
Alex
"Hard ones are nice, but they are heavy and expensive."
Ryan
"Like, I would have guessed that someone made green jello in that toilet."
Aaron
"The police should have days where they teach kids how to get out of trunks."
Kelly
"I don't like metal, but I could play with wood all day."
Steve
"Basically, the government doesn't want you anywhere near the butt hole."
Steve
"A pony just can't support that many babys!"
Harvey
"I woke up to Gary groping me…"
Harvey
"Steve can only be a hippie on his days off. It's more like a hobby."
Harvey
"Someone's getting naked and they are headed that way."
Harvey
"Omg... Seriously I need to ride the bus more often... The people watching is by far the best I've had in a while... it's like a 3am walmart trip without having to be up so late."
Chris
"Whats with homeboy doing the peepee dance?"
Chris
"I hate being the only male in the office… the estrogen in this office can be cut with a chainsaw."
Chris
"My complaining hurts."
Ehren
"I'll draw stick figure strippers all day long..."
Chris
"Wow, I'm enter happy today."
Harvey
"...It makes my ear sweat. That's pure evil right there."
Steve
"I don't do clingy girls or underwear... I wear boxers for a reason."
Chris
"You know how I know you grew up in Lafayette?"
Gary
"Jesus locks."
Ryan
"Spandex does not entitle you to my lane."
Harvey
"There is a fine line between extreme plumbers crack and being naked and I'm pushing the boundry."
Chris
"You look racially confused."
Amanda
"Try building your own cross over steering now and NOT think of a 240lb hairy fat kid running down the interstate with a big ol 2qt pot and a frying pan..."
Chris
"Can it be done? Yes. But at the same time I can run down the freeway naked banging pots and pans together... doesn't mean it's safe for me or those around me nor should I do it."
Chris
"Do you know how hard it is to get a good photo of your own nipple?"
Harvey
"There is no Vitamin K."
Ryan
"Why I talk so much? I have no idea..."
Landon
"Shotgun socializer."
Gary
"I don't pound on it like I pound my mouse..."
Ryan
"So I was eStalking local girls my age who love Jesus on Myspace..."
Steve
"I need a second job to support my love child."
Steve
"Nah, 8:30 is gay."
Harvey
"I'm too nice for drama."
Steve
"Oh, I eDo."
Gary
Steve: "F."
Harvey: "You should pick a new letter."
Steve: "Q!"
Harvey: "Which comes right before R."
Steve: "Which comes right before I HATE THIS."
"…like... you can puncture a barbie."
Harvey
"The ninja's have coat hangers."
Harvey
"And the flavored olive incident... I had nothing to do with that."
Harvey
"I got lost in the butter section."
Harvey
"Tone down the estrogen."
Ryan
"oooOOoooo that screams for my fat side."
Ryan
"I'm going to start my own restraunt called bananas. It'll be like hooters but for women."
Chris' Mom
"It kinda feels weird to be at Hooters with my son and his buddies."
Chris' Mom
"More girls need to dislike sports and like me. End of story."
Steve
"It's like a blond moment, but more Steve colored."
Steve
"Damn you Steve for not being popular enough to get invited to the wedding..... I blame you that I'm single this week."
Chris
"Is there anyone running around slapping you with a fish?"
Alex
"I know it sounds ridiculous... but I really like the way the pacific crawlers sticker looks on my truck."
Harvey
"…but it's cute when little kids make racist comments…"
Harvey
"You know what I haven't figured out... why, in other religions, are people blue?"
Harvey
"I didn't want one of those damn hippies to get anything. So I opened the tent and it was just a raccoon. I thought it was a hippie."
Steve's Grandma
"I don't care how long that was under your butt Steve, it was totally worth it."
Gary
"There's an awful lot of rocks you can scratch."
Ryan
"Nobody takes it seriously, and everybody just wants to hear about dinosaures. I swear."
Ryan
"I'd go to jail for a DUI."
Nate
"Shh... we have neighbors who write letters."
Chris
"Hey Chris... next time we go camping we gotta bring Depends."
Nate
"...when I walked outside to pee on my truck."
Nate
"We gotta go back... there are so many things we could do with that statue."
Chris
"I haven't squeezed that in so long."
Aaron
"I, Gary Waddell, want to be just like Steve Arnett, I admit it."
Gary
"Squirrels should not attack people. They should be like Chip and Dale, the rescue rangers."
Steve M
"It's like a blond moment, but more Steve colored."
Steve
"I'm not admiting I have a personal ad on Craigslist, but if I was, I'd be able to tell you there are some UGLY chicks with LOTS of red flags that think I'm cute."
Chris
"...Probably the scariest thing I've had happen in my toilet…"
Ryan
"There are probably more than that... probably."
Ryan
"I want a skeleton."
Kelly
"I guess they are all big... just minicized."
Kelly
"I'm afraid to fart, I just washed these pants."
Chris
"Some were in the middle... and some were not so in the middle."
Dr. Doerr
"Do you know how hard it is to push a chair!?!?!"
Ryan
"You must be a real man.... holding a sippy cup."
Adista
"Do you know how sick it would be to have a whole army of ninja flies?"
Dave
"...and I had a trout head in my hat."
Alex
"Any quote having to do with liquid has to be from Harvey"
Aaron
Chris: "I'm so paradoid about backing up now…"
Alex: "Why?"
Chris: "Did I tell you I drove over a mercadez?"
"It's like playing tag by yourself."
Patrick
"Steve, come over here… stay away from things that are fallable."
Patrick
"This is really confusing... I can hear liquid but I cant get to it."
Harvey
"Last time I hugged you, Steve, my sister got cancer."
Caleb
"Piss off, I'm in the bushes."
Aaron
"Where does almost begin?"
Ehren
"So I popped your paranormal cherry... Huh?"
Harvey
"I'm gonna calm moose with this."
Harvey
"I don't think I'm gonna go for the engaged chick any more."
Casey
"Yeah, well at least my boyfriend calls me!"
Aaron
"That dog just laughed at a pun."
Scrubs
"I just now got your polo."
Casey
"Do you think there is a darker color than black somewhere?"
Casey
"It's not my fault that you're gay enough for the two of us."
Patrick
"Best pick-up line ever.... 'Hi my names Dave… Are you single?'"
Steve
"What?! Why did that just happen? Why did I get meloned in the face?!?"
Steve
"...We need to fill your truck with puppies."
Casey
"Aaron's quick on the potatoes."
Casey
"Mozart sells kentucky fried chicken."
Casey
"It could feed half of africa... Twice."
Kimber
Steve: "How do you guys feel about Hillary running for president?"
Aaron: "I think she should make me a sandwich."
"Wow, that biscut really hit the spot. I love biscuts... Some days I think I should live in the south."
Steve
"Oh look at you, I've never seen you in a shirt before."
Momma L
"You know if you don't look, you'll hurt something."
Wes
"You should date my english teacher."
Casey
"I felt your upper lip on my nipple."
Casey
"It's not frozen... It's fridged in the butter box."
Kim
"I think girls live off devouring souls."
Casey
"So I was talking to this guy at the christmas tree lot…"
Casey
"What are we gonna do when all the dinosaures go away?"
Kelly
"Wow, that guy had bling... You could chain a bike up with that."
Liz M
"How dare you straw my fiance!"
Harvey
"Jeans wash when they shrink."
Liz
"...the bus has really big bags."
Ryan
"Oh! It's a rubber screw."
Harvey
"It's like an ethiopia."
Lloyd
"If you don't bbq on memorial day, the terrorists win."
Harvey
"I really don't want acid burns on my nipple."
Harvey
"…god I hope it's urine."
The Office
"Oh great... this ones got the duck doing all the work."
Click
"Oh, Keith is not an asian guy."
Dave
"That was like a bro."
Kelly
"I don't like it cause it looks like a skin disease."
T
"I hope you're talking about someone's grandma."
Steve
"Mmm look at the way she wears that diaper."
Patrick
"I heard creaking… I was hoping it was you."
Kaitlyn
Were dinosaurs racist? Cause that's the only white one I can see.
Liz
"No she can't today... She's not wearing a mustach."
Kaitlyn
"That's like a half of an x."
Kaitlyn
"For some reason that reminds me of mash potatoes… But I don't know why."
Aaron
"Plastic movie people."
Aaron
"That man is more than a camel."
Steve
"Why is it when I'm around you I eat clams?"
Steve M
"Steve Arnett equals clams."
Steve M
"Driving under the influence of urine is the worst."
Harvey
"It's like taco bell... But a little more buffalo."
Harvey
"It's a good day to have fluffy hair."
Steve
"Everything else is just frosting on the cake... But what's a cake without frosting?!?"
Ryan
"Hey Sean, do you wanna steal someone's pants?"
Becki
"I can't suck in air anymore."
Lloyd
"You're both still on my island."
Ryan
"If they can wash their own clothes... They can blow my nose."
Ryan
"There is only one thing that looks like that when disolved in water... and that's a mouse."
Harvey
Harvey: "That water is rank..."
Ryan:"...it has chunks in..."
Harvey: "...it's got fur in it!"
Ryan: "You drownd a mouse!"
"We can't really quote ourselfs on that, it's kinda copyrighted."
Harvey
"Straight up make a churro out of that…"
Harvey
"We just minesplored in a snowstorm in death valley! How much more badassed can you get?"
Harvey
"Just don't piss of the angry rattle rocks!"
Ryan
"So go ahead and be selfish. It helps control your blader function! "
Harvey
"Really awkward things happen to me when you drink."
Liz
"I'm not gonna be touching anything furry today."
Liz
"Its not every day half your foot falls off."
Harvey
"Are you a pony?"
Ryan
"Remember what happened last time this happened? Kaitlyn's sock got wet."
Steve
The profound words of Ryan: "There is no tivo for life."
"Allison! Why are there cows?!"
Kaitlyn
"I'm not the pillsbury dough girl, ok?"
Allison
"I love this planet... lots of fresh picklebunny."
Casey
"Quote."
Casey
"That was weird... I was in some kind of passenger mood there for a second."
Steve
"Oh, it's hard with the left."
Aaron
"Nickles is definitely next time."
Aaron
"Opps… I almost said something like it was tuesday."
Steve
"Being asian solves everything."
Kaitlyn
"What, you poke mine and scratch yours! What is that your mating call or something?"
Kim
"I think I'm gonna go get naked and watch some Macgyver."
Steve
"I dont want to be rich and wrinkled!"
Lynnie
"My thinker tube is broken."
Becki
"Can rabies be transmited sexually?"
Harvey
Ryan: "Why is that guy wearing a santa hat?"
Harvey: "You would too if you were a crazy old nam vet!"
"I personally squeezed every one of them for you."
Kim
"You're not supposed to tickle horses."
Liz
"In your mary poppins bag... Do you have a purse?"
Kaitlyn
"Dude, your bubbles just went up my pants."
Casey
"I didn't know how to heat up my jaw."
T
"But to simplify: it was wide open, fast, and lit."
Steve
"It looks like I'm licking a butt!"
Becki
"Oh my god, she laid a jew egg!"
Borat
"I just eat the fried part... I don't like the chicken."
Kim
"Holy cracker jacks."
Kaitlyn
"Sometimes I have to get away to stay sane.... and other times it fuels my insanity."
Steve
"And just so you know.... the milk truck is my favorite. "
Steve
"It's time to get hypoglycemic for Jesus... thats right, it's easter. The one time of the year where chocolate can be both full of empty calories yet rich in spiritual nourishment."
Mark Day
"I think you actually have to speak spanish to lower a truck."
Patrick
"Tripods… and you speak english… that's a good sign."
Crazy Louisianans
"Steve and I are gonna have a child named Wing Pong Arnett."
Aaron
Kim: "Steve Arnett… why are you so smart?"
Steve: "Cause my neck hurts."
"I'd have to see a boat to know a boat."
Jenny
"…but I can see that my eyebrow moved."
Steve
"I'm not fluffing your sister."
Patrick
"Licking is totally cheating."
Kaitlyn
Dave: "I know half of Kaitlyn's passwords…"
Kaitlyn: "I only have two!"
"What if there was a bear with two tails?"
T
"Wow... You have a big kneecap."
T
"I didn't call him fat... Just big."
Steves Mom
"It looks like you've got eggs on your face."
Aaron
"Your face is hecka negative."
Aaron
"I think it's the best polar bear I've ever drawn."
Aaron
"I'm kinda attached to my wenis."
Kim
"What am I doing? Oh, I just hit myself."
Dave
"I was gonna fall in it before I peed in it."
Harvey
"You have magic pants... They suck it up."
Becki
"I'm thinking about eating you as a pizza pancake with a table in your stomach."
Casey
"How the crap do you spell booodhissssts?"
Steve
"Ohhhhh… Shiny buddhists…"
Harvey
"I can't date you if you turn black."
Liz M
"Maybe the pink will make me smarter…"
Kaitlyn
"There's something in my shoe... Oh wait, it's my sock."
Kaitlyn
"Why you gotta take it out on my butt?!"
Kaitlyn
"If you want answers, come to the fifth floor."
Harvey
"Last time i said something racist in public... THEY were behind me."
Aaron
"I feel like a little asian lady... "
Kaitlyn
"Hey... You're the guy who got clam and didn't know it!"
Random Guy at Pizza My Heart
"I haven't taped together the low income housing yet."
Liz M
"Is it right to right a wrong like this?"
Patrick
"Kaitlyn... Were they gay before I came?"
Eugene
"You want the truth but you keep tooth pasteing me in the leg."
T
"Ew... What's grosser than tooth paste on a foot?!"
T
"No... Why do I have to have large pit stains!?"
Steve
"You could... like... play solitare in the bath tub."
Kaitlyn
"I'm only eating it because it is vaguely chinese."
Bridget
"Sorry guys... My pants are in first place."
Kim
"That's too much fraction action."
Kim
"...I don't think i'm asian."
Kaitlyn
"I was gonna tell you to go find your red wooden tree wife."
Kaitlyn
"You can't exactly throw paper…"
Kaitlyn
"I saw a hat on my stuffed moose…"
Benchwarmers
"I jacked your wife!"
Kaitlyn
Kaitlyn: "Why don't you marry a redwood tree?"
Steve: "There would be splinters everywhere!"
"Steve… Remember my brain is the size of a walnut?"
Kaitlyn
"I'd ride it like a cowboy."
Patrick
"My face is ethnically dirty."
Patrick
"I don't stink... I just fart."
Kim
"I have sticky skin."
Kim
"If you were a girl... I'd make you feel it."
Kim
"Sometimes I just think the bubbles from my intestine come out of my mouth."
Kim
"It's ok... I'm gonna be smart today."
Kaitlyn
"Ninja is a fun word to molest."
Patrick
"… and they took her appendix out just for the heck of it."
T
"I brought the sock cause i was gonna put it in your food."
T
"If I had some protective head gear, you could convince me to do anything."
Bridget
"What if you were floating over God's air vent…"
Steve
"It looked like bronchitis flying past my face."
T
"I wish they had an active store for unactive people."
Bridget
"Not every thing that is moist is wet."
Harvey
"Is that gonna be enough fudge for me?"
Patrick
"I don't like being on the bottom... So you can be lopsided."
Kaitlyn
"I think they just covered all the corners in vasaline."
T
"...and I bet you haven't heard the word bellows yet today."
Steve
"I've never pooped on a stick in my life!"
Allison
"Hey dave, wait... where's your crotch?"
Landon
"I feel like I'm birthing a child."
Allison
"I'm not wearing my own pants."
Kaitlyn
"I can't find the inside of the blanket."
Kaitlyn
"I can't even fit his thumb in my nose."
Allison
"Oh yeah, I still have Kaitlyn's heart."
Dave
"That thing gave me my nipple."
Aaron
"Dude... I accidentally hit a cow with a rock the other day."
Aaron
"I'm not sitting on the floor... I'm sitting on dog food."
Kaitlyn
"Oh, that was awesome. Touch my ear again!"
Josh
"Bobo is just chillen in my sack."
Bridget
"I have had a crack problem lately."
Becki
"Thank God there was a dragon in the garbage."
Aaron
"If I was a pimp turkey, I'd wheel that."
Liz M
"I just want to butt whomever I'm with in the head and then bleat."
Harvey
"Oh... It's a cow. I thought it was a big lion."
Harvey
"Is that like a pimp turkey… well it was black!"
Liz M
"I spilt coffee on my hand, and then I put it on my pants."
Harvey
Kaitlyn: "Where's my happy place?"
Harvey: "Opps, I took it."
"Steve, that's the closest we've come to killing one of our friends."
Harvey
"Don't lick me. You're gonna get smacked if you get licked."
Ryan
"With a nun!?!"
Allison
Aaron: "Casey, we've been in wal-mart."
Casey: "Whaaaaat?!?"
"Oh... Harvey's the m."
Casey
"I look like a big rig."
Ryan
"Sponge awkward."
Kaitlyn
"Why are you shoving things in my pants?!"
Kaitlyn
"I know I saw the stupid head somewhere."
Ryan
"I don't accept visa!!!"
Harvey
"That means Harvey is in to disney charaters."
Steve
"I didn't know I could make babies with a man."
Harvey
"Eat here, fart at home. That's the rule."
Becki
"I wonder what kind of cars the moat house people drive?"
Steve
"We're systematically looking for the moat house."
Dave
"Wear the pants richard... Wear the pants."
Steve
"The bible says 'not before you're married'... But she was married so it was half ok."
Patrick
"It smells like a used womb with a bad view."
Patrick
"Jenny, stop eating my foot!"
Kelly
"…but maybe you couldn't hear it cause it was dark."
Kelly
"... And then I moved on to cutting barbies."
Kelly
"I married a hindu woman."
Aaron
"I accidentally got paint all over her parrot."
Casey
"There is a lot of juice in a grape."
Casey
"The question is, why didn't you store the baby jesus in mary's womb.... She's hollow."
Harvey
Harvey: "It's the only way to live…"
Steve: "Dead?"
Aaron: "Are you licking your arm?"
Patrick: "No, but I saw my first black midget the other day. "
"...is she the one with a mustach?"
Steve
"I do gooder than you. "
Aaron
"Every time you want to cuddle you just attack me instead of asking."
Steve
"...you could stick a carl's jr truck through it."
Casey
Steve: "Hey caleb, have you ever had a doorknob up your anus?"
Caleb: "I'm a soccer player."
"…I usually carry two because I give one to a hobo."
Casey
"If we kill someone i'll have wait even longer for in-n-out."
Casey
"Is this my lucky snorkel?!?!"
Casey
"Dude... this is where I broke my ex-girlfriends toe."
Steve
"Like, I'm not sure I want to lick your lizzard."
Aaron
"I'm so glad you become less hippie in the winter."
Aaron
"I've delt with zits before.... but moving an eye?"
Steve
"I'm sure glad you know how to tattoo things on my tongue."
Aaron
"Hey, hey, hey do you want me to move your eye back?!?!"
Steve
"If you were to get that tattoed on your tonque, what font would you choose?"
Steve
"Dude, we gotta get you home, put down the peanut butter!!!"
Steve
"Why would the shiny side be the down side?!?!"
Steve
"I just wanted to see how much it tasted like pine needles."
Steve
"I like cement straight…"
Dave
"It'd be pretty spectacular... Except the death."
Steve
"What do you do about walls?!?"
Aaron
"She's a human being, she can deal with weather… Is my hair ok?"
Steve
"That's odd, these pine cones smell like cinnamon."
Harvey
"This is the one and only time you're gonna hear me say this... I wanna ride my mom."
Aaron
"I wish my mom could turn into a boat."
Kaitlyn
"What, why do your skating rinks sound like a kitty?!"
Patrick
"Yeah... I own a quarter of a farm.... basically."
Dave
"Why are you touching my shrimp?!?"
Kaitlyn
"Do you realize the old people are gonna be mocking your children?"
Ryan
"I think he had a blinking dog."
Steve
"Just think about it.... We could be looking up the word hippopotamus."
Dave
"You need a girlfriend with a dog."
Ryan
"Amy likes mushy apples."
Kaitlyn
"Do you remember that time I couldn't open a plastic bag?"
Kaitlyn
"I'm a proud supporter of english for forginers."
Steve
"…otherwise you can't taste how big it is."
Casey
"It'd be like a single-file rave."
Harvey
"Oh, and Aaron… Make sure you keep you feet on the garbage."
Harvey
"Kinda like poinsettas... They make me sad."
Harvey
"December is a whole month long!"
Aaron
"I just touched a moving semi."
Harvey
"That dad can have steve put on above it."
Aaron
"…the furthest I've ever thrown a street sign…"
Aaron
"Where do you get that many tiny polar bears?!"
Aaron
Steve: "You can lick that."
Aaron: "…I already did."
"... anything can lead back to moles."
Tony
"It's like a nascar race get your hand off my leg."
Aaron
"I'm not crazy... I'm just special."
Kaitlyn
"I could play hockey... Hockey doesn't have balls."
Aaron
"I don't care about the comb... I just want the quarter."
Aaron
"They need rain boots... Golf rain boots."
Celeste
"He looks like the paper towel man."
Aaron
"...because you're steve and you're a hedge."
Dave
"Why's she making carrot juice in a garbage can?!"
Aaron
"No, no, Steve, I'll be holding my own hand."
Aaron
"What if you woke up and you were peeing on a fire hydrant."
Aaron
"High school was the time of our lives. I'm glad we didn't spend it in class!"
Steve
Keith: "This bible is old... It's totally 70's."
Patrick: "Yeah, it even has a place for your weed. "
"You need a woman... for those times when mini just won't do..."
Harvey
"Dang it, I can't find harvey's mom."
Ryan
"…maybe that’s the way to go… build a comune."
Jenny
"Wow.... I can only wistle like that when my lips are hot."
Ryan
"Ahhh, don't windex my crotch!"
Harvey
"That wasn't a kick... it's just overly excited to see you. "
Harvey
"Aw… its just a white woman."
Steve
"That guys pushing his toilet paper."
Aaron
"Hey, why do black people drive black cars? Cause they're racist!"
Steve
"I like......buildings."
Aaron
"I would drive a low rider by it."
Aaron
"What color ninja do you want to be?"
Steve
"She keeps freez-its in the cheezer."
Aaron
"We've got 4 people and 2 bags. HECK YES WE NEED HELP OUT!"
Steve
"Dude, my phone knows NCP!"
Steve
"I think there is sound in my speakers."
Kim
"I'm all muffined out... You can call me the muffin man."
Ryan
"Steve... Why are we so fat?"
"Hey harvey, you wanna go get a pizza?"
"Heck yeah!"
"Cause nothing says homo like big yellow rain boots."
Patrick
"Yes, I think you're left."
Aaron
"You just love me for my grandmothers chocolate."
Steve
"But I don't know why I'd drive for turkey's.... Just a thought."
Aaron
"That lady was staring at my crickets…"
Steve
"Hot and sour soup. It's like the soup is hot and sour... You don't even understand."
Casey
"You could find dead babies everywhere!"
Steve
"Is that the guy that designs stuco patterns? Cause that job would suck."
Harvey
"…that's when it'd be freakin' pimp to have a van."
Ryan
"It's not nice to rape people after their dead."
Jenny
"... some even number you can't even divide by…"
Patrick
"Surfer boys aren't my type."
Patrick
"I feel like a retarted pigeon."
Aaron
"I don't want a dead penguin!"
Aimee
"This pillow smells like the doctors office."
Patrick
"Get out. Smell the pizza!"
Arthur
"This is what I would imagine it would feel like if you sprayed yourself in scrubbing bubbles!"
Harvey
"Are you really lowering yourself to the point that you can sum yourself up in a couple of javascript boxes?!?!"
Harvey
"I just hecka blood."
Kaitlyn
"I'm gonna have to find a new way to fart."
Patrick
"Which mom was that?" - Steve
"My mom." - Patrick
"Oh, usually you call her homie." - Steve
"Hey steve.... At some point we're gonna have to contemplate the word waffle."
Harvey
"Patrick knocked my yams on the floor."
Aaron
"Hey steve... I think you need to dave drive home."
Patrick
…Shampooner…
"If your gonna be retarted, why can't you be smart about being stupid."
Ryan
"Ok, look for the hippie then."
Steve
"Women apparently only have 4 senses... they have no sense of taste. That's why I'm single."
Steve
"Dude just asked me if i was muslim... I said no and he said well, you should be.... Wow."
Steve
"Check, check, check.... if I was black, I could run like I was on crack."
Steve
"What is Harvey's last name?" - Steve's Mom
"His last name is Harvey." - Steve
"His name's Harvey Harvey?" - Steve's Mom
"Hey, thats not something you see every night... a fat kid in a Mini!"
Aaron
"That's it. I'm wearing a masterlock today."
Harvey
"It's amazing the things I can acomplish while wearing my pajamas."
Harvey
"It sounds like you're de-toothing a cat!"
Steve
"...all it needs is a little bump and then you get cheeze."
Harvey
"How do you tell it's 'completely clean'? - Steve
"It's blue!" - Ryan
"Oh god, I'm covered in flouresent fluff."
Harvey
"Lets go to the library and gank some product keys, sell the product keys for crack, and then sell the crack for money."
Harvey
"I don't like being stereotypical... I don't like handcuffs."
Patrick
"I'm half everything and bad at math."
Jes
"I just got hit with a wet poker chip."
Steve
"The eye with the next lens... You can't see that."
Dave
"Yeah guys don't mind my zipper, its not working."
Dave
"You know... A mime is a terrible thing to waste."
Robin Hood Men in Tights
"Well, the question is... Can you blow bubbles in a solid?"
Aaron
"Ow, your crushing my tiny body."
Aaron
"What's the matter? You don't like it sideways?!?!"
Harvey
"Are you gonna do it like my grandpa... With wire cutters?"
Ester
"It's gonna make my anus feel like World War II."
Patrick
"You know how women are never wrong.... What happens when two of them are fighting?"
Caleb
"I knew it was Schwingle because the cactus was swinging."
Harvey
"Stop stabbing my children!"
Mom Bowers
"I know that's what I'd be doing... Watching zelda and eating hot pockets."
Ryan
"That's odd, I'm following myself."
Harvey
"Hey Steve-o, I've got a quote for you but it's in Liz's parents refrigerator."
Harvey
"Ow, my butt cheek. Just the right one. I don't know why."
Casey
"Casey... itch me."
Aaron
"Stop touching Steve in his Round Table, that's his personal space."
Becki
"If its anything like licking an armpit... Then thats just gross."
Steve
"Like cows flocking to the cow meca."
Ryan
"Actually, I was thinking of breeding some dinosaurs."
Steve
"I would totally be ok with a clone…"
Steve
"...And we'd have to tie a rope to dave."
Ryan
"Awww, somebody lost their onions."
Steve
"Wow, I'm not on crack. The towtruck does bend!"
Harvey
"BRB, bathroom time...stop... can't touch this...."
Harvey
"Com'n steve, we'll do it like that one time we were gladiators."
Aaron
"My middle name it gringo... Ryan Gringo Schwingle."
Ryan
"No, I don't want to get that close to a man with no arms!"
Ryan
"You can lick steve's moose, but you can't eat my cheese."
Dad
"And you know whats really awkward? Patrick licked my moose."
Steve
"Have you ever thought about the word quench?"
Ryan
"It's not cruel, it's slavery."
Patrick
"…because bricks are unpredictable."
Caleb
"…she's gonna think i'm fat."
Jenny
"I want to watch tv." - Jenny
"Me neither." - Steve
"It's like english, but only in spanish."
Harvey
"That sounded like a cow."
Ian
"Dang it, I've lost you the tie-die side."
Aaron
"You made out with a wet dolphin."
Aaron
"There's a black man with a hoe."
Patrick
"I like tall women."
Aaron
"It looks like they poured 22 gallons of apple juice on it."
Aaron
"That worked out jerry springer style."
Aaron
"Maybe i'll just grow a mullet…"
Patrick
"I would dress like that if I were a hobo on a train."
Harvey
"I'm here to photograph your trainography."
Harvey
"That's a whole lot of butt in all the wrong places."
Patrick
"…cause the green ones are the best race."
Aaron
"Aaron thinks the little pumpkins are free."
Steve
"I don't know... I think we're gonna have to lick and stick."
Harvey
"I wouldn't be anything with out my spoon."
Aaron
"No one runs over a trout!"
Harvey
"Luckily, it didn't smell until it got on the cat."
Harvey
"Yeah, why would you do all that when you have your own naked man at home?"
Harvey
"I'm not as fat as I was yesterday."
Casey
"Ryan... do you sleep at night? Or do you just stalk me?"
Steve
"...and don't forget to drink in excess."
Karen
"One of the dos of them."
Steve
"Geeze, Women suck at driving." - Steve
"Yeah, but they are pretty good at riding horses..." - Keith
"That's cause the horse has a brain of it's own!" - Steve
"You don't have to be a bunny to own a bunny."
Jenny
"Dude, its only $75 to enter." - Ryan
"We're taking your truck... You have a warrenty." - Steve
"So apparently I played myself in the world cup and I won."
Steve
"I think I misjudged that."
Dave
"I'm secretly a starfish."
Patrick
"It tastes like tahoe."
Travis
"Im excited because I own cheese, but its not in my possession."
Steve
"You couldn't squeeze a baby kitten through that..."
Patrick
"What the hell is wrong with people... When is the next plague coming?"
Harvey
"If you aren't in first place, drive faster."
"If I had more skill, I'd be better at this game..."
Steve
"Aaron's consuming ninjas."
Harvey
"Holy feeces!"
Steve
"Hey, was that my pants?!?!"
Jeremy
"Brokeback shebert."
Keith
"Brokeback toe socks."
Patrick
"Not alive sounds good... dead was a bad choice of words."
Steve
"Twice."
Patrick
"Life is too short for repetitive music."
Steve
"Wow, your foundation tastes good."
Patrick
"Wow it's cold in this metal box."
Steve
"What?!?! That sounded like nintendo!"
Steve
"Wait, why'd you get your brother a mother's day card?!?!"
Kiley
"So I did my nails, my hair, got circumcised..."
Josh H
"Is that false advertisement? I mean they're called bacon bits yet have no bacon..."
Steve M
"Why would you buy a soda when you could just lick one of the walls?"
Harvey
"Become a helicopter pilot.... it's cheaper than college!"
Random Radio Commercial
"You're mexican, you just absorb salsa."
Casey
"I don't know what it is inside me... But it makes me feel more sensitive."
Random Radio Commercial
"My sister has a lot of extra wenis."
Chad
"Steve, why can't you be from Pittsburg? It'd be so much easier."
Ernesto
"You should see my mom's calves!"
Ernesto
"You're fired, give me your wallet."
Patrick
"Relax... Its biodegradable."
Kiley
"You spoke brown... I didn't know..."
Alex
"Steve, you're like walking GPS."
Aaron
"Surprisingly... yeah... no..."
Harvey
"I have to go take a crap." - Harvey
"Well, don't take one of mine cause the weekend's coming and I don't have many left." - Random guy at work
"Hey, I found pizza in my crotch! Alright!"
Aaron
"How are we gonna make fire?" - Harvey
"We can just rub me together." - Aaron
"Steve, lookout! There's a hippie in the road!"
Aaron
"...the dog's not wet, so I don't think anything happened."
Steve
"You know you like it when I waddle."
Patrick
"I'm not exactly sure.... but I think they sell stuff."
Ryan
"...like a bad game of Jenga."
Harvey
"I don't feel like breaking up a fight..." - Steve
"So Don't, go get the video camera." - Harvey
"... it didn't work cause I'm not wearing my apron."
Harvey
"Oh sorry, I was walking like it was Tuesday."
Steve
"Im a hard core reefer... I grow my own."
Harvey
"That sounds like death without dinner."
Steve
"The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole."
George Carlin
"You have ducks.... chickens are better than ducks."
Ellen
"Patrick, when you're around I have to get rid of anything that hangs..."
Steve
"It takes two complete individuals to make a relationship work. Neither can
be partial.... and you're not adding the person into you're life or visa-versa,
you're blending lives... just like in math: .5 + 1 = 1.5 or 1+1 = 2.... but 1/1 = 1."
Steve
"Minor detail...."
Steve M
"Have you ever thought.... that the middle.... might be
what's between the two ends...."
Idiot Critical Thinking Teacher at DVC
"I guess its just another thing that makes you...well....steve."
Aaron
"Friends are like butt cheeks, crap separates them but they always come back together."
Steve M
Steve Fact: "'Yeah, about that....' is part of Steve's vocab. Women, you will never understand."
"How do you break a helmet?!?!?!"
Steve
"Wenis: The skin that covers the tip of your elbow. The wenis lacks
sensitivity and can withstand all types of abuse."
UrbanDictionary.com
"Masticate: to grind or crush (food) with or as if with the teeth in preparation for swallowing."
Webster
"What... what... what... what.... what.... what.... what."
Steve
"So.... Do you guys drink while you watch trains?"
Steves Mom
"Hey.... hey casey.... bolth!"
Steve
"It's kinda like railfanning..... but with chuckie cheese robots."
Steve
"I wasn't sure what you were going to do with it... and then it started going towards my mouth."
Steve
"Yesterday we ran out of the non-waternated meat."
Steve
"The best part of waking up..." - Ryan
"...is monster in your mouth." - Steve
"...and that equal ingles.... me no hablo ingles."
Steve
"You can pull it out till you need it again."
Steve
"If you drove a woman that hard, she would leave you."
Steve
"Mommy... will you come pway wiph me?"
Chris
"I'm not scared of the supernatural... I'm scared of the inbred hicks!"
Chris
"My ex-girlfriend took my wenger."
Steve
Steve Fact: "Steve may, at any given time, refer to you as 'Richard'. Deal with it."
Steve Fact: "Steve likes meatballs."
"I've seen smaller...."
Ryan
"You could... like.... hug yourself."
Steve
"I really like his rack."
Ryan
Steve Fact: "Steve likes cheeze... steve likes cheeze alot."
"MmmMmmmMmmmm..... Blonde hair......"
Ryan
"Hey.... how do you un-control-z?!?!?"
Patrick
"Awwwww crap....."
Dave
Steve Fact: "Steve is not mexican... but he likes their food alot and he kinda looks like one."
Steve Fact: "Steve is black on tuesdays."
"Dangit... I found cinnamon sticks."
Ryan
"I'm glad I met Steve before cause hiking in the Santa Cruz mountains
with a bunch of strangers I met over the internet could be kinda weird."
Chris
"It's like Monopoly... but without the real estate."
Alex
"Been there, rescued that guy."
Steve
"Wow, There were chickens in that puddle."
Harvey
"I wonder what it feels like to get paid to be a sheep..."
Steve
"Ow, that hurt my kidney."
Harvey
"N.F.C., it's a way of life."
Harvey
Steve: "Frikken-A, Richard."
Ernesto: "Richard?"
Steve: "Richard."
Ernesto: "Frichard?"
Steve: "RICHARD"
Ernesto: "That's what I said the first time."
Steve: "Swear you said frichard."
"I think I heard somewhere that people in houses without walls should not throw rocks naked."
Harvey
"Ernesto, there is only one word to describe this situation...... SHEEP!"
Steve
"So, this one time at Borders...."
Steve
"All I want is my Chalupa!"
Harvey
"Steve just kidnapped me from a mexican food restaurant in Pacheco and now I'm in Lafayette."
Harvey
"So I woke up this morning and burped and it tasted like breakfast."
Steve
"I love your logic."
Harvey
"I'm mexican. I have a new cousin everyday!"
Ernesto
"Move, I want to see the Eskimo!"
Casey
Steve Fact: "No matter how much Steve's people like pasta, Steve does not."
Steve